厦门博客

Actual Accident Summaries

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:43 +0000

The following are real statements found on insurance claim forms. Drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident succinctly.
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Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
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I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
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The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
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The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
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I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
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In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
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I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
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The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
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I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
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The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
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I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
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I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
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As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
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My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
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An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
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I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
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I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
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The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

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What’s that Restaurant?

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:43 +0000

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”

The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”

The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”

“Do you mean a rose?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”

Pay for the Food There was a poor old Irish cobbler whose shop was...
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Ransacked Blonde

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:42 +0000

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

“They send me a BLIND policeman.”

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On Trial

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:42 +0000

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge’s bench. “Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from ‘innocent’ to ‘guilty’ of the charges.”

The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. “If you’re guilty, why didn’t you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience?” he demanded.

Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, “Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me.”

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Mailbox

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:42 +0000

A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mail- box sat on, but to save the beloved old box.

I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up. Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window…

“I tried that,” he said, “but the bills just keep on coming.”

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Rules for Good Housekeeping (Especially for Men!)

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:42 +0000

1. It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

2. Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

3. Never make fried chicken in the nude.

4. Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

5. You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

6. If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

8. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

9. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

10. When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

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Perplexing Riddle

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:42 +0000

“It’s time to see how clearly you can think,” the teacher said to his class. “Now, listen carefully, and think about what I’m saying. I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have. But this person is not my brother and not my sister. Who is it?”

The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking. But no one came up with the right answer.

When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, “The person is me.”

Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. “That’s a good one,” he said to himself. “I’ll have to try that on Mom and Dad.”

At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents. “I’m thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have,” he said. “But this person isn’t my brother and isn’t my sister. Who is it?”

His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said, “I give up. Who is it?”

“It’s my teacher!” Jeffrey said.

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Reverse Polygamy

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:41 +0000

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

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Lost in the Desert

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:41 +0000

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks.

One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.

The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.

On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”

Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”

So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man say, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”

Finally he remembers, “AMEN!!”

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.

The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.

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Check Out Mate

admin — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 13:15:40 +0000

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?”, they asked, as they moved off.

“Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

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